Please comment and tell me what you all think of it, ok? thanks.






A monstrous, strangely blue-eyed creature stood in the middle of a house that had been burned down and destroyed. His blue shoulder-length hair swayed gently in the wind. Around him lay bodies that had been mutilated, bitten into oblivion, and torn apart by psychic energy. The monster started to shake, his muscular, almost human body trembling uncontrollably. He shook from his talon-like toes, to his claw-like hands, and finally to his magnificent, yet massive black wings. Other than the monster, only one other creature lived within a one mile radius. It was a man with black hair and deep, seemingly bottomless eyes. He leaned against a half crumbled wall, nodding his head in obvious approval.
“Well, Bartimaeus,” He said to the blue-eyed creature, “You’ve done your job well. Will you do as I say now?”
Bartimaeus glared at him with agonized eyes and answered, “You forced me to do this. Do I really have a choice?” Bartimaeus looked down as his eyes began to fill with tears. The man leaning on the wall got up and moved over to Bartimaeus gracefully, as only a vampire could. He wiped a tear from bartimaeus’s cheek before it fell.
“Don’t cry.” The vampire whispered, and then smiled, saying, “This is what demons do, Bartimaeus. They kill people. Don’t you realize how powerful you could be? You’re already more powerful than most demons. You’ve destroyed a whole household of high-level demons, along with some humans. Which is surprising, considering your powers are only just surfacing. It’s amazing.” The vampire put his hand on Bartimaeus’s shoulder, shaking his head in amazement, whispering,” Come with me, Bartimaeus. I can teach you everything there is to know. You could be the strongest! You could rule the world!”
Bartimaeus shook him off roughly, exclaiming, “No. I don’t want power. I don’t know how you were able to control me, or even your name, but I definitely don’t want to go with you.”
The vampire only smiled again at these words, then answered, “You will learn how to control others also, in time. As for my name, go ahead and call me Vrael. Bartimaeus, you must come with me. Where else are you going to go with no money, food, or water? Town? Look at what you did here. What do you think would happen in a town full of weak, defenseless humans? Bartimaeus, you-“Vrael broke off as they heard a low moan of pain. They both looked towards the source. It was a slim, black-haired woman with startling purple eyes. With a cry of pain, Bartimaeus pushed past Vrael and ran over to kneel beside the woman on the ground. Tears were streaming down his face in an uncontrollable flood. Her wounds were terrible. A bloody slash began from her temple and ran through her right eye, then went along to end at her jaw on the other side. She had only one hand, her right one. Her left leg was split from her hip to her ankle. There were several holes in her midsection, as if a clawed hand had been thrust through and pulled out quickly. Bites marks covered her neck, as if something had tried to bite off her head and failed. Bartimaeus gently pulled her into his arms, being extremely careful not to hurt her. He carefully moved her hair out of her face, and said in almost a whisper, “Mother! Mother, I am so sorry. Please….please don’t die. I’m so sorry…….don’t die.” Bartimaeus started sobbing as Vrael came over. “Mother, I love you, I am so sorry……please don’t go.” The woman leaned up to touch Bartimaeus’s face with her only hand. “Bartimaeus?” She whispered, the pain in her voice obvious. She tried very hard not to wince.
“It’s me, mother. I am here.” He answered. The woman started to smile with relief, but stopped because it hurt too much.
“My son…..you look…..a lot…..like….your father.” She struggled to speak, and so had to pause between words. She coughed blood and then looked around painfully, asking, “What…what happened?”
Bartimaeus’s eyes welled up with new tears as he answered, “It….it was me, mother.” He sobbed again as he continued, “I did this. I couldn’t control myself, mother! I killed everyone, and burned down the house in the process….” He trailed off, unable to continue. Smiling softly through the pain, his mother put her only hand on his cheek and answered, “You…have…too....much…of your…father’s blood…in you. He…” She coughed blood and then continued, “He…told me…that…is what happened…when he…transformed…for the…first…time…too, so…please…don’t blame…yourself, son.” Her eyes sparkled with tears as Bartimaeus put his hand up on hers. A bright tear slid down his face, working itself underneath Bartimaeus’s mother’s bloodstained hand. Suddenly Bartimaeus looked frightened. Vrael, who had been listening intently to their conversation, came over to lean behind Bartimaeus. Vrael smiled, sarcastic and evil. “How…touching.” He whispered, too low for the poor woman to hear. “Its time to end this game. Finish her.”
Bartimaeus’s eyes widened. The woman, confused, looked from Bartimaeus to Vrael and back again, helpless to do anything. She instinctively knew that something horrible was going to happen. Vrael forced their hands apart, making sure that they weren’t touching. He then made Bartimaeus look into his eyes.
“You will do as I say.” Vrael slowly said each word as if he were talking to a child. His voice was as smooth as silk. Bartimaeus shook his head, defiant and fearful. Vrael tightened his hold on Bartimaeus’s face. As Bartimaeus looked into Vrael’s eyes, he felt his mind slipping, as if it was sinking into slimy quicksand. As he knew he was going to be controlled, his agony for his mother was replaced by a bottomless sorrow. As Vrael yelled, “Finish her!” Bartimaeus yelled, “Forgive me, mother!”
Bartimaeus plunged his hand into her chest under the first two bones of her ribcage. His nails extended like claws to reach past those two bones of her ribcage and pierce her heart. Bartimaeus’s mother winced in pain, but did not utter a single sound. As she lay limp in his arms, Bartimaeus pulled out his hand. He began to howl with agony and sorrow. Everything seemed to distort and fade as Bartimaeus, weak with exhaustion, transformed into a five year old boy with short, blue hair and icy, tear-soaked eyes. His hand was still soaked in his mother’s blood.


Bartimaeus, 16 now, who now had shoulder-length hair and the same icy blue eyes, sat up straight in his simple wooden-framed bed. He put a shaky hand to his forehead and found that he was sweating heavily. He shivered in the sudden cold as a light breeze blew through a nearby window. He got up and wandered over to the window. Half-asleep, he gently closed the window. Holding back tears, he gazed at the moonlit street outside as he remembered his dream. He shook his head and crawled back into his bed, then curled up into a ball as waves of uncontrollable sobs racked through him.

A most excellent start to a book. The first two pages usually decide for me whether I'm going to read further or toss it back on the book shelf.
This would be a keeper.

More please.

Thank you..... heres a bit of the second chapter, then.


A ray of sunlight shone gently through a slightly grimy window. It illuminated a well-kept kitchen within a well-kept house. The kitchen was ordinary enough; wooden cupboards, electric stove, checkered tile. In the center of the kitchen stood a round wooden table set for a light breakfast of coffee, tea, and muffins. A girl, who looked 16, had black hair with purple highlights, startling purple eyes, and a slim but built figure, sat at the table drinking coffee. As she sipped at her coffee, she stared out the only window.
“Oy, Bartimaeus! Breakfast!” She suddenly yelled. A few minutes later, Bartimaeus sleepily stumbled through the doorway.
“You actually got up early enough to make breakfast, Luna? Usually I have to kick you out of bed to make you get up.” He joked, smiling. Luna narrowed her eyes at him.
“Its already noon, you dork. What made you sleep so late?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar. You’re taking drugs, aren’t you?” Luna snickered at him.
“No! I’m not like you!” Bartimaeus retorted.
“Why, you little….!!!” Luna jumped at him. Bartimaeus swiftly moved out of the way, causing Luna to hit the wall. Bartimaeus laughed.
“Owwww! That hurt, you snot! And I don’t do drugs!!!” She complained.
“Well, then. Don’t make snide remarks if you don’t like walls.” Bartimaeus commented, smiling. He suddenly looked serious. “Are you off today?”
“Yea. Why?”
“Nothing, really. Its just that you’re usually swamped with jobs this time of year.”
Luna blushed as she got up off the floor and sat at the table. “Well…..now that you mention it, I do have a bunch of kills I’m supposed to be making, but I decided to take a day off today.” Bartimaeus started, surprised.
“But you never take a day off. Is there something wrong?”
“No. Just didn’t feel like being a bounty hunter. Besides, the Mortality Games start today.”
Bartimaeus sighed. “Looking at you, no one would think that you’re a bounty hunter.”
“And looking at you, no one would think that you’re an accomplice to my bounty hunting. Now are you gonna just keep standing there like a moron or are you going to come sit and eat?”
Bartimaeus sighed again. “First of all, you force me to help me with your stupid work. Second-“
“You gotta earn your keep somehow.” Luna snorted. Bartimaeus glared at her and kept going. “Second of all, I’m a demon, remember? I don’t need to eat for sustenance.”







I'm still working on the rest of the chapter, so this is all i can put for now. I'm glad you like it Thanks for reading!

It's my pleasure to read it honestly Luna.
It's really good.

I like it.
I have been into fantasy stories for years and as Darkness says ...this one looks like a keeper. Keep up the good work Luna

Zygo

Yay! >.< Thanks to all for your support! I rly appreciate it!


Ummm if nobody minds......is it ok for me to post the whole book? I'd have to write it first, of course.....but I could post it chapter by chapter. If ya'll want to read it, I don't mind writing it really. Actually, I wish to publish this book one day.....it would really help for there to be other people to read the book as I write it, and for there to be people to say the good and the bad things about it.

I personally think that you have done an excellent job so far and I would love to read every bit of this story.

I look forward to reading more of it,
~Farshief

Huzzah! well......um I haven't written any more lately.......I'm sorry!!! I'll do better!!!! I'll start writing again right away.....sorry its taking so long everyone......there'll be more soon I promises!