Been having a crappy day, so needed to rant. doesn't really need replies. But i needed to get it out. I'm sure i'll be better later.


Sometimes i get to the point where i wonder why? Why must we live like this? Why must I serve in a manner that doesn't appeal to me in order to receive slips of paper that can grant me food for the next week or so? Why must a leader, who i did not favor, in a government that is as insane as any serial killer, control my life in such a fashion? Why can't they learn to love and hope and help instead of greedily hoarding that which others need. Why must they spend more money on killing people than teaching their young? Why can't they see that in order to live successfully they should first attend to their own problems before trying to fix other peoples?
Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a best friend slowly kill them self. Are they so blind? Why are their so many conspiracies and idiocies? I just want to live. Is that so wrong? I want to be happy. But it's hard to be happy when you can't even feed yourself. I could ask for assistance, but i shouldn't have to. I should be able to work 40 hours a week, pay my bills, feed my cat and then feed myself. I shouldn't have to debate whether or not to pay for water or fill my belly. To have a day off or to work for another $20. I miss the times when i was capable of living alone, building my house on my land, owing nothing to anybody but those who traded with me. Being able to hunt for myself, garden for myself. Or better yet, i miss creating my own den, having no company but that of my pack and our prey. In a life that was simplistic and a form of utopia. I'm tired of worrying about things that really aren't that important but without them i could die. I hate living in a world that's run by idiots in a system that just doesn't work filled with people who don't care.
Some days i can find my hope, but days like today all i can see, or find, is the pointlessness. logically in my mind i know there's a reason, that it's okay and i'm just having a low day. But then my heart and my soul curl up and cry wondering why i want to care, why i want to help and why don't we just detach ourselves from this place and live a life based on the rules of our instincts.
And then i remember that i have not loved as greatly in any form but that of man. I have not seen as much nor gained as much as i have while walking on two legs. I know that this form of sadness, so great and consuming, is the balance of the hope and love and joy that i can feel. It doesn't make it better, in fact it makes it harder, but this too shall pass. I have lost more as a human, gained more as a human, and dreamed more as a human than any other form. I know some are ridiculously shortsighted, but i also know that i could not have found wisdom in a place where i was never challenged.
I hate my life, and i love it. Hate my neighbors and love them. want to remove myself, and yet want to stay. And then i get a headache and realize all i really need is some chocolate ice cream and a sappy chick-flick.

kat

I have often thought that if I could just turn off everything electrical, and light a few candles, grow my own veggies and hunt my own meat, I could be much happier. Cave life often becomes a very appealing prospect to me too, so I do know how you have reached this point in your life.
I ask myself many of the same questions you seem to be asking.

Why are the people who govern my life fighting a war I don't want, and dont agree with and saying they're doing it for me?
And why am I letting them get away with it?
When water comes free from the sky why should I have to choose between that and anything? When plants grow themselves with very little tending really, why do I pay so much from the supemarket?
When I only need electricity because I have not the imagination to amuse myself or friends enough to make TV not necessary, why can I not change the way I am so that I can change the way I live?
The catch 22 of the whole situation often makes life seem more than a little stacked against me and that makes me want to cry.
I don't even know my neighbours..............

What chick flick did you choose Kat? And can I join you please? I'll bring my own ice-cream.

I know you said you didn't need any replies, but I hope you don't mind that I left one anyway.

Faith.

Thanks Faith. And I watched a good anime movie by Miyazaki called Howl's Moving Castle. Very good, about wizards and love and curses, and a scarecrow with a turnip for a head. happy ending, i liked it. and sure, pull up a chair. there's enough gooey romance for everybody.

But i'm better. I've shut down the monetary caring part of me and the part of me that gives a *Bunnies* about the stupid government. In my current state i can only support the opposite but i am not fully capable of actively changing things.

anyway, what kind of ice cream you bringing? I've got chocolate.

The movie sounds great Katie.
Slushy lovey stuff with just enough action and magic to balance it out nicely.

I don't know what it's called because the wrapper came off in my freezer. But it's the vanilla/chocolate stuff with bits of biscuit and marshmallow in it. I don't know if you know it? It's really good. We could share?

Faith.

Unfortunately the way of the world often does not make sense to us.
The human masses run the world in a way that doesn't suit most of us, so what chance do we have?

Sadly we must put up with it and deal with it the best way we know how. For some of us that consists of trying to fit in, flying under the radar and trying not to make a blip, for some it means removing themselves from all influences of technology, and modern living, living the life of a recluse and hoping their solitary existance will help them make it through. Yet for others it means integration with those around them. Not fitting in, or backing down, but quietly and simply getting on with the business of living asking for no acceptance or understanding and recieving none, but understanding and accepting in their turn that that is quite simply the way things are.
However you live in this human form the fact remains that you do live in a human form, and you must do so in the way that best suits you.
Forget all the rest. Please yourself, for if you spend your life trying to please others you could wake up one morning to the realisation that not only have you failed, but that you have no more time left in which to change things.
Even humans who are just humans will many have things to teach you, but only if you wish to learn. If you are not ready then you will not hear, and you will waste your time and theirs.
Choose your friends and your battles wisely. Fight the fight the best way you know how.
There is no way back, only forward.
Katie, you are moving forward, and even if this life knocks you it will not defeat you. Your attitude and sense sustain you. That shows clearly in your posts.

Your friends here will listen whenever you wish and help as much as they can.
You are highly thought of, that much is obvious, and fondness for you is apparent in many of the things I have read here too.
Keep looking at it the way you are and the world will come right for you.
That is my wish.
And my confident prediction.

Elvin.

Thank you Elvin. You made me smile and my heart warm. You made my day happier and I don't know how I could repay such a kindness.

So I'll simply say thank you.